Regardless of what your mother said, you most definitely are Slovenian if

Your whole attitude to life could be summed up by ‘You can do whatever you want with me but you’d better not interfere with my driving!’ – that having been said, here are some sure giveaways as to your Slovenian roots:

– Your car is worth as much as your house or more; if you’re renting, your monthly car payment exceeds your rent.

– If you see an expensive car following the traffic rules, you consider it a waste of a fine vehicle and start fantasizing about all the rubber you’d be burning if you could afford a car like that.

– If you see an expensive car breaking the traffic rules you consider it proof that all rich people are inconsiderate thieving bastards who think they can get away with anything and could sure use a good whipping.

– You secretly believe you are about the only good driver in your country and everybody else should have their licenses revoked immediately.

– You couldn’t grasp the meaning of the concept of suitable driving speed to save your life, quite literally.

– On the off-chance you’re familiar with the concept of safe following distance, you interpret it as something the driver in front needs to maintain and you’re quite willing to remind them of this obligation by honking, gesturing and shining your high-beams or, if all else fails, giving them a gentle push with your bumper.

– On a related note, you believe rear-end collisions happen because the car in front doesn’t always swerve out of your way and into the ditch fast enough.

– You believe head-on collisions happen because the other driver failed to predict you would be cutting a corner and got in your way.

– You believe pile-ups happen because the roads lack traffic flow capacity and there aren’t enough roads available anyway to keep drivers from encountering each other.

– You believe drunk drivers, especially you, should be punished only if they cause an accident and there’s no imaginable way of pinning the blame on the other driver, your passengers, your job (or the lack thereof), stray pets, local wildlife, climate change, the government or the person you were talking to on the phone when the accident happened.

– You are always complaining about reckless drivers yet you firmly believe in your sacred right to speed on any road in any weather conditions while drunk and high, texting and making a point by tailgating every car you can catch up with, and heavens forbid the police should attempt to interfere. (That’s why traffic cops in Slovenia carry firearms: self-defence.)

Additional: You might be a very special breed of Slovenian endemic to the city of Maribor if:

– You tolerated your mayor well enough to elect him twice while he was involved in half a dozen different scandals at the same time but when he tried to make some money off your residential-zone-speeding habit he needed to be police-escorted out of the town hall with cobblestones flying over his head. You’re several kinds of awesome!

As of now, there’s no known cure for being Slovenian. However, there are some statistically-backed redeeming qualities associated with this condition, most notably:

– If you’re ever going to snuff someone out it’ll most likely be yourself. Slovenia’s ranking as of 2011: 10th in the world by suicide rate, 182nd by intentional homicide rate.

– Oh, and 6th in the world by Olympic medals per capita as of 2012.


#Stereotypes about Slovenians, by a Slovenian.