Live from Slovenia: People queuing to have their balls and/or tits tattooed yellow and blue

While this seemingly unprovoked campaign of aggression against the Ukrainian people that Alec Baldwin started and Vladolf Putler continued was not exactly what we had in mind when we said enough with this corona shit already can we please move on to something new, it managed to achieve the impossible:

Bringing Slovenians together. Resigned to sticking to our bitter divisions until further notice, we suddenly found ourselves united in the belief that:

– Ukraine must be accepted into the European Union with immediate effect and retroactively made its founding member.

– As soon as this blows over, Ukraine needs to be installed as some sort of supreme king-president-patron saint of NATO, somehow. We haven’t worked out all the details yet.

– Ukrainians are the best. They make other nations proud. The bravest, coolest and inevitably, given the former, the hottest people of them all. They are the lesson in toughness, resilience, well-placed national pride and, apparently, the answer to the all-pervasive thirst that everybody needed. Now this is how you defend your country and win over everybody’s heart and all that it powers.

Seriously. Until a few bowel movements ago if one was regular, the average Slovenian kind of looked down on Ukrainians, partly because they were comparatively poor but largely because we were and still are narcissistic little shits. Be that as it may, a few days ago hardly anyone thought much of Ukrainians and now everyone wants one!

Ever heard people getting all nostalgic for the good old times when men were real men and women were real women? Well, in Slovenia we’ve now officially shortened it to the good old times when people were like Ukrainians.

Go, Ukraine! Go home, Russia. Nobody, and we mean nobody asked for this. Enough already.


Dear Russians,

With all that being said, please know that we still love you and that it makes our hearts bleed to see you hurt and about to get hurt even more if you don’t stop, like right now.

We understand that your soldiers struggle to find motivation to fight Ukraine. It is not like you get to keep it as spoils of war even if you manage to crush its defences.

We appreciate that you must surely know by now that this whole Ukraine thing is starting to make your military look lamer than the Afghan army.

So please cut your losses now and stand aside as China tries to annex Taiwan and fails so miserably that it sends the Communist Party toppling in the process, or whatever crazy shit 2022 throws at us next.

Good luck to us all.

From Slovenia with Love.